I read in a book once that the biggest gift you can give someone is to let them go with grace when it’s their time.
Death has reminded me so many times before that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. The awe I have for my heart to keep loving in the manner that it does is hard to put in words.
I’m sure you’ve seen my tears, the exhaustion in my face, and just the overall surrender to defeat in my being. I wish you could have seen the strength with which my body laboured. The trust with which my body surrendered my precious babies. The tenderness of hands that rubbed my back through each contraction. It was a labour of grief and a labour of love nonetheless.
I wonder if this is how Lyra felt when she left Pan behind. And I wonder if my babies will meet me from the other side like Lyra and Will spend their days at the pond.
I have my freedom back and my time back and body back. It’s easier again to carry toddlers all day and adventure into the wilderness. I can make travel plans and festival plans. I don’t have to postpone my work after all. The sea welcomes me for dips again, I can warm up in the sauna. Today I’ve brushed my teeth without boaking my heart out. And coffee tastes so good.
I would trade it all, endure any hardship, pause my needs and give you every last piece of me, if it meant even just a few hours more with you.
We got fourteen weeks.
And for that I’m grateful beyond words.
You were so wanted. You are so loved.
And because we love you so much, we will let you go with grace.
In loving Solidarity,
Patricia
#babyloss #doula #musings